How to Lose a Lord In 10 Months
by The Creatress
Summary: What Tom and Ginny REALLY talked about...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer - I own as much as you do. Nothing. HP and everything related belongs to JKR... Until I kidnap Severus. Then, he will belong to me... I'll share him with Mione, but that's it. Hehehehehe...

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A/N

Ever watched "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?" This is based on that... See, all the crazy stuff doesn't come out of my brain alone...

luv

Creatress

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How To Lose a Lord in 10 Months

Month 1 - September

'Hi!' Ginny wrote. 'I'm Ginny Weasley and I own you!'

Apparently, her (old) new diary didn't agree. The dark crimson words twitched and then disappeared into the crisp white paper, to be replaced by 'Hello. I am Tom Marvolo Riddle and I beg to differ.'

Ginny blinked at the page before sitting up in her bed. The book talked. Wow, how exciting... Umm, not so much. Because this is the wizarding world and these crazy things happened left and right. So to a pureblooded witch, it was only natural to brush off the idea of getting McGonagall. She reread Tom's first words to her and responded in a matter-of-fact tone: 'Tom Marvolo Riddle is like "I am Lord Voldemort" with the letters all jumbled up.'

Tom didn't reply for a second. And then, his neat writing appeared on the now blank paper - 'Will you promise not to tell anyone that, Miss Weasley?'

Ginny scrunched her face up. 'I think maybe I should. Aren't you supposed to be evil?' she wrote. She frowned as a thought hit her, but before she could write 'What are you doing in a book?', Tom was already replying.

'Well, yes,' Tom scribbled back quickly. 'However! I... Err...'

'You... Err...?' Ginny wrote back, frowning in impatience. Figuring that Tom's next words would take a while, she lay back down on her bed and got comfortable.

'I've got cookies!' Tom's writing appeared.

Ginny stared at the page for a few seconds. 'I like cake,' she finally replied.

'I can bake. I'll make you a cake if you promise not to tell anyone who I am,' Tom replied, his writing a little messy. Obviously, he was getting nervous.

Ginny shifted, a little disbelievingly. 'How can you bake from inside a book?'

'There's a whole other world in here. I have an oven,' Tom wrote. Best not to tell her that he had no sugar. There was never any sugar around - Tom was pretty sure that the lack of sugar in his life was probably what made him go evil in the first place.

'Wow! A whole other world!' Ginny replied. 'Can I see it?'

Tom stopped short. Can she see it? Hell, no. 'Sorry, Miss Weasley, I haven't sucked out enough of your soul yet.'

'Excuse me?' Ginny wrote back, her eyebrows rising.

'Typo. I haven't had my morning cup of joe yet.'

'I would have thought that the Almighty Dark Lord would talk better. With refined prose and form.'

'I apologize for my earlier error. I meant to say that I have not had any caffeinated beverages this morning.' Smart aleck chit, Tom wanted to add.

'Well, can I see it later then?' Ginny wrote, not bothering to comment on his choice of words. So he'd learned his lesson and changed after just about two seconds of her nagging - she was starting to like him a wee bit. 'After you consume a caffeinated beverage?'

'I will show you the inside of my diary - ' Tom stopped writing when he realized that Ginny was writing.

'My diary.'

'Yes, of course,' Tom thought with a frown. 'I will show you the inside of our diary when - ' She was writing again.

'Mine.' The word was underlined, thickly and it was obvious that Ginny was stressing the word.

Tom scowled, thankful that she couldn't see his expression. If she had, she would have run off in fear and he'd never have seen her ever again. Which would have been fine, if he didn't need her for the purpose of getting himself out of the book. 'Fine. Yours. I'll show it to you when I have more energy.'

'Okay.'

Tom rolled his eyes. Okay, she says. How refined was 'okay'? He resisted the temptation to write that thought down and asked her another question. 'We have an agreement then?' he asked. 'You won't tell anyone about me?'

'Hmm,' Ginny scrawled, idly. She still hadn't made up her mind. 'I don't know.'

'You don't know.' Tom stared in disbelief. 'A cake and a diary tour aren't enough?'

'Hardly,' Ginny wrote back. 'What if your cake tastes bad and the tour is boring?'

Tom shrugged, nodding in what was almost approval. The cake probably would taste bad - as mentioned before, he had no sugar. The Riddle Mansion tour probably would be boring - he'd blown up half of its riches in a boredom and good health (caused by the lack of sugar) induced rage. He sighed and put his quill to the paper. 'What can I promise you that would ensure your happiness and the secrecy of my identity?'

'Make me your queen.'

Tom's quill and jaw dropped in his shock. She wanted what? He shut his mouth, only to have his jaw fall when he looked at her request again. So after a good five minutes of playing goldfish, he put his quill to the paper again... Only to find himself at a loss for words. This mere girl had found out his secret, made him nervous, angered him, won his approval, and shocked him speechless, all under ten minutes. ... Maybe she wasn't a mere girl. Tom smirked a bit. If anyone could handle being queen, it was her. She certainly was ambitious enough. 'With pleasure.'

'SQUEE!' Ginny wrote in big, loopy letters.

Tom stared and then cautiously wrote 'Squee?' in a questioning manner.

'Yes, Tom, "squee." It means I'm squealing.'

'I see,' Tom wrote back with a frown. She squealed... Hopefully, she didn't do it often. Ah, well. If she did, he would kill her. He'd said he'd make her queen - he didn't guarantee her a set number of years of the throne.

'How can you see? You're stuck in a book.'

Tom resisted the sudden urge to slam the diary shut and bang his head with it. 'I meant that I understand.' She would get a grand total of 0.2 seconds at his side - nobody this stupid was going to be his queen.

'I was only kidding, Tom. Lighten up.' Ginny rolled her eyes. She then looked seriously at the book with a furrowed eyebrow. "Umm... Tom?'

'Yes, Miss Weasley?' Tom wrote back.

Ginny set her question aside and moved onto a different subject. 'You can just call me Ginny now, Tom.'

Tom frowned at the page. She would change her name or abandon the throne (for the whole 0.2 second that she'd be there). There was no way in the seven levels of hell would he accept a queen named... Urgh... _Ginny_. 'Is that short for something?' he asked, hopefully.

'Uh huh,' came Ginny's response.

Tom frowned over the refinedness of 'uh huh' and waited for her to elaborate... But nothing happened. 'Short for what - ' What was he to call her now? ' - Princess?'

'SQUEE!'

Tom turned and banged his head against the edge of his desk. Then, he touched his forehead in alarm, calming only when he realized that the thoughtless action would not leave a scar. He shuddered at the idea and turned back to the book. How was it that a girl who was smart enough to entice him into making her his future queen (for a whole 0.2 seconds) was one who kept childishly squealing at every little thing? Shaking his head, he wrote, 'Well? What is it short for?'

'Ginevra.'

_Ah_, Tom thought. _Much better_. 'Why can't I just call you that? It's a much more regal name than - ' he shuddered. 'Ginny.'

'Aww. Sure.' Ginny giggled and pressed her face into her pillow to muffle the sound. But then, the previous question that she'd set aside popped into her mind again and she frowned at the diary. 'I need to ask you something.'

'What is it?' Tom asked, wondering what was coming.

'How would I go about making Harry Potter fall in love with me?'

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There's chapter 1… I don't know – it seemed like there weren't enough funny TGs out there…

Luv

Creatress


	2. September

Disclaimer - I own as much as you do. Nothing. HP and everything related belongs to JKR... Until I kidnap Severus. Then, he will belong to me... I'll share him with Mione, but that's it. Hehehehehe...

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A/N

Here's the first official chapter. Ah, I almost feel sorry for poor Tommy…

luv

Creatress

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How To Lose a Lord in 10 Months

Month 1 – September

_Make Him Stop Swearing_

Tom's jaw hit the floor this time. "What?!" he exclaimed, his voice echoing eerily throughout the empty mansion. Then, he realized that Ginny - no, Ginevra, couldn't hear him and wrote 'WHAT?!' down in the diary as neatly as possible.

'How would I go about making Harry Potter fall in love with me?' Ginny wrote again, a little annoyed that Tom seemed to have missed it the first time around. 'Why are you writing so big?' she added.

'Why would you want Harry Potter to fall in love with you?' Tom asked, incredulously. There was an itch at the bottom of his chest and he absent-mindedly ran a hand over it before realizing it was _inside_ his chest. Blaming the itch on the lack of sugar, he turned back to the diary.

'Why wouldn't I?' Ginny wrote back, just as incredulous that Tom even had to ask such a question. 'He's famous. He defeated you, didn't he?'

'The hell he did!' Tom scrawled back, scowling furiously.

Ginny gasped out loud. 'Tom! Don't swear,' she admonished. 'Say "heck."'

'Who the hell says "heck?!"' Tom wrote back. Before he could continue to rant that Potter did not 'defeat' him, Ginny replied.

'Tom Marvolo Riddle, _stop swearing_!'

'I will not take orders from you!' Tom wrote, growing angrier by the minute. His next words almost cut through the page. 'Who the heck told you he defeated me?!' Just as these words started sinking, Tom noticed with a start that he'd used the word 'heck' instead of 'hell.'

Ginny grinned widely when she made the same observation that Tom had just made. 'Good boy.' Without giving him a chance to write anything in reaction to that, she continued. 'Everyone says he defeated you.'

Tom scowled and decided to let the 'good boy' comment slide. For now. _'Everyone _is wrong,' he wrote, dangerously slowly. 'Do you understand, Ginevra?'

Ginny decided to lie. 'Yes, Tom.' She twirled a lock of her hair around her finger, nervously. 'Tom?'

'What?'

'Can I make him fall in love with me anyway?' she wrote.

Tom stared. 'Why?!' he scrawled.

Ginny had to think for a second. 'Why not?' she finally asked.

'"Why not?" I'll tell you why not. You're going to be queen of the Dark Side, ergo you will not be in any kind of relationship with my arch nemesis!' Tom wanted to hit something... The girl was crazy. She kept swinging back and forth between intelligence and stupidity like a maniac pendulum.

'Tom?' Her letters appeared tentative.

'What?!' Tom wrote back, his letters thick with irritation.

'Are you angry?' Ginny wrote, gently chewing on her lip.

_Of course, I'm angry, you crazy bint... _'No, Princess. Just a little upset.'

'Why are you upset?' Ginny asked.

Tom stopped short. How to answer that? Because of all the people that dumb blond could have given the diary to, it had to be this crazy chit. 'I don't want to talk about it,' he finally wrote sulkily.

Ginny frowned a little before putting her quill to the page. "Why not?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because I am your Lord and I said so!"

"FINE!" Ginny went to angrily slam the diary shut, but stopped, wondering if he could feel it. Wondering about this and unable to come up with an answer, she scowled. 'I'm going to angrily slam the diary shut because you're so insufferable! Can you feel it or would I just be wasting my energy for nothing?!' she scrawled.

Tom started, instantly becoming afraid. The cover slamming shut _hurt_. A lot. He didn't know why, but every time someone slammed the book shut, it went like the whole front of his body was getting hit by a ton of bricks. 'Don't!' he scrawled quickly. 'I take back what I said earlier!'

Ginny sighed angrily. 'Tom, you are so rude! First, you swear. Now, you didn't say 'please' when you told me not to close the book and you didn't apologize for what you did earlier!'

Tom frowned at the page. 'I never say please and I certainly never apologize.'

Ginny rolled her eyes. 'Tom, how do you expect to rule for long without any manners? The servants and the masses will get annoyed with you sooner or later. Like I am now.'

Tom stared at the page, incredulously. Was she _kidding_?! A part of him frighteningly whispered to him that, no, she wasn't. He scowled at the book. 'Crucios and imperios work better than pleases and thank-yous.'

Ginny shook her head before realizing that Tom couldn't see her. She wrote, 'You are so wrong.' She paused. 'Anyways, crucios and imperios – whatever they are – won't work on me. Only pleases and thank-yous.'

Tom's jaw dropped again – it has been doing that quite often every since Ginny'd opened the book and was starting to hurt, which made its owner even more irritated than usual. Anyways, what was scary was that she kind of had a point… Crucios and imperios _wouldn't_ work on her because he couldn't exactly _cast_ them in his current state. With a great amount of effort, he forced down his pride. 'Alright. Ginevra, I am _sorry_ for my earlier actions. _Please_ don't slam the diary shut.'

Ginny sighed a little, smiling. 'Don't you feel better now?'

Tom scowled at what he was feeling, wondering if this was what the Cruciatus felt like. 'Yes.'

'Why wouldn't you want me to slam the diary shut?' Ginny asked, curiously.

Tom, for once in his life, decided to be honest and told her about the pain he felt every time the book was slammed shut. 'You see, that's why I stopped you.'

Ginny thought for a second. 'Wow, that little weakness seems like it was pulled out of thin air.'

Tom frowned. 'What do you mean?'

'It just seems odd and that it came out of nowhere. If it weren't for that, I'd had closed the book and gone, and this chapter would have ended.'

Tom found his himself whole-heartedly agreeing. 'Good point. How utterly Deuce Ex Machina.' Ginny didn't respond for a moment, and Tom felt a sudden chill go through him. A little scared and not knowing why, he put his quill to the page to ask her if she was still there when these horrifying words suddenly appeared on the page -

'**DEUCE EX MACHINA!? OH, YOU'LL BE SORRY, LARD MOLDYSHORTS!! FORT THAT DEUCE EX MACHINA COMMENT, YOU WILL SUFFER HORRIBLY AT THE HANDS OF GINEVRA WEASLEY FOR THE NEXT TEN MONTHS!!** _luv, the Creatress_'

Tom let out a rather high-pitched shriek and sprang out of his chair before stumbling away from the table in fear. What the hell-?! After taking a few long, calming breaths he inched back toward the diary to find Ginny's writing, which was shaky and trembling. Obviously, she was scared, too.

'Tom? Tom?! Can you read this? Are you alright?! TOM!'

'Ginevra? What the hell just happened?!'

'Don't _swear_, Tom!'

Tom frowned, quickly scrawling his words. 'Let that go, Ginevra. What was that message?!'

Ginny, scared, had to think for a second. Now, if there was one thing she had in common with Tom (besides all the beauty, brains, bloodlines and sadism), it was a slow mind… Yes, that's right. Our Lord and Lady can be really slow sometimes. Which is why Ginny answered him with 'Uhh… Another deuce ex machina?'

'**OH, YOU BIYATCH! YOU ARE GOING TO ****GET IT**** IN THE NEXT FIC WHERE TOM'S IN CONTROL!** _Luv, Creatress_**'**

Ginny finally tentatively wrote, 'Maybe we shouldn't say the DEM words anymore?'

Tom, who'd been staring open-mouthed at the Creatress' words, responded. 'What did she mean by the '_next_ fic where Tom's in control'? I don't get any control in this fic?! What the hell?!'

Ginny lost her patience. 'Tom Marvolo Riddle, I swear to you, if you swear _one_ more time I will…' Ginny trailed off, not knowing what she would do.

Tom smirked, finding the girl amusing. 'You will what?'

'I will come in there and spank you!'

Tom stiffened, as shock and a large amount of fear ran through him. He didn't put that past her… 'I'll stop swearing.' And then he regained some of his Evil Bad-Arse Dark Lord bravery. _Bitch_.

End of Ch. 1

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A/n

So any bets on how long it'll take Ginny to break Tom's spirit?

Luv

Creatress

P.s. I swear, that was the last time I'll put myself between them. O.o…….


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